HomeHome  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  MemberlistMemberlist  UsergroupsUsergroups  RegisterRegister  Log inLog in  

Share | 
 

 Yield

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
SilverBlaze85

avatar

Posts : 113
Join date : 2008-11-01
Age : 31
Location : My own DreamWorld

PostSubject: Yield   Tue Nov 25, 2008 8:03 pm


Just a short story...new writing style that I tried for a bit.


Summary: You can't help but yield to her.
---


You follow her out onto the deck of the team. You idly note that the team has it pretty good…your own commons room, your own training quarters, your own deck overlooking a pretty decent view of the city. Closing the door behind you, you watch her pace along the railing, before she settles down and leans against it, eyes out over the city you’ve both sworn to protect.




You push away from the wall, concern warring with anger, and you’re not sure which will win. One will, and you’re partially afraid of the results. You rest a hand on her shoulder, wincing at the reacting flinch and the taut muscles. You rest your head between shoulder blades, feeling her slowly relax, slowly unwind from the day…at this point, from the week. It’s been stressful on you both, but you have a music outlet...she doesn’t.



Eventually her hand reaches for yours, and she tugs you around in front of her, and you naturally settle into each other…her shoulder against the corner post, her chest firm against your back, your arms covering hers around your waist, fingers interlocked. It’s a compromise…if either of you need to move quickly, you’re in trouble, but it’s better than nothing. There’s no need for words as you both watch the sun set against the horizon, the sky painted in blood red, vivid orange and golden yellow, before muting into the dark blue and purple of the night. Apology, forgiveness, and acceptance occur in a breath, and somewhere, you know that all is right with the world. But here, in this tiny world that seems to form when you two are together, something isn’t quite right. The air seems to hold it’s breath in anticipation, and you shiver slightly.



She glances at you, eyes questioning, and you dismiss her concern. You smile as her eyes soften, warning you of her intents. You can’t help but feel complete as her lips press against yours, mouth working softly against yours. You breathe in sync with the other, and as your hand rests against her chest, a part of your mind idly realizes that your hearts beat as one as well.



You yield to her for a moment, grant her access, and feel your knees begin to buckle. Her arm locks around your waist, keeping you supported, but also closer to her, and you feel a hunger rise between the two of you. The need for air breaks you apart for a second, and you see the question in her eyes. You weigh the choices for a moment, a nanosecond of time, before meeting her gaze again, yielding. As the last of the light fades, the stars begin to emerge, but there’s no one to see them. Only the sound of a lock clicking into place in the night.



You can’t help but yield to her.
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.furaffinity.net/user/silverblaze85
EarlMadness

avatar

Posts : 8
Join date : 2008-10-26

PostSubject: Re: Yield   Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:32 pm

Oh that was nice. I particulary like the flow. A good indication of a badly-written story is when you find yourself stopping to reread from confusion or "taking breaks" becasue the rthym was screwed up and/or lost somehwere in the writing and luckily this had neither.

I never stopped reading despite the spaces between because each one seem to bleed into the other. No massive skips of time that seemed to be impaitence or for that matter, no rush to sex or standard "one-shot" problems.

I also like the back and forth you gave both without so much as who or what they are.

The one thing i would say is really minor; the beginning gives me the impression of a boat because of your use of the word deck. Also the team aspect seems almost trivial, unless this is planned to have more to it as you drop it early on.
Back to top Go down
View user profile
SilverBlaze85

avatar

Posts : 113
Join date : 2008-11-01
Age : 31
Location : My own DreamWorld

PostSubject: Re: Yield   Thu Nov 27, 2008 9:13 am

EarlMadness wrote:
The one thing i would say is really minor; the beginning gives me the impression of a boat because of your use of the word deck. Also the team aspect seems almost trivial, unless this is planned to have more to it as you drop it early on.

Thank you kindly for the review! As to the above quote...this is actually part of a series...So yeah, the deck and the team and city-protection is kinda pointless, but I wasn't sure if it would still be 'happy' without that, so I decided to leave it in for now. This entire series was written with very, very little dialogue between the two..I tend to write dialogue and neglect anything else, so I challenge myself to write without it. This series turned out alright, I think....it was a fun change anyway!

I'm very glad you liked the rhythem and flow of it...I know what you mean when it doesn't click properly, and the story, while the plot and everything else could be great, is still 'bad' because it doesn't flow properly.

Thank you again!
Back to top Go down
View user profile http://www.furaffinity.net/user/silverblaze85
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Yield   

Back to top Go down
 
Yield
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
 :: Disscussion :: Writer's Nook-
Jump to: